Relecture de rédaction

[jupaulus]

Bonjour à tous.

Dans le cadre d'un de mes cours, je dois réaliser de courtes rédactions en anglais. Je vous serais extrêmement reconnaissant si vous acceptiez de relire et de corriger les fautes d'orthographe (j'espère qu'il n'y en a pas beaucoup) et de grammaire.
Merci d'avance

Rédaction 1:
(deux amis n'ont qu'une place de concert et je dois décider qui des deux doit y aller - Yasmine est ma prof)

"If we consider that:
- Allison and Alex have only one ticket to the Bob Dylan's concert;
- they are moving out to a new apartment on Saturday and they didn't package yet their things;
- they must scrub the bathtub, clean the oven, do the dishes, vacuum the carpet and clean the windows before the moving out;
- Alex has a temperature, a runny nose, a backache and he coughs;
- Allison feels sick, has a headache, the runs and she's tired;
- the weather forecast for friday is really bad so it isn't a good idea to go outside.
I think there's no solution to their problem. Indeed, they don't feel good and the weather is very bad so they risk to aggravate their disease!

But if we consider the fact that I'm their best friend and it will be my birthday the next day of the concert, I believe that Alex and Allison should offer to me the ticket to the Bob Dylan's concert. Indeed, I don't feel sick, I haven't any girlfriend and I have a warm coat, I can go to the concert with no problem at all!
It's a good idea Yasmine, isn't it?"



Rédaction 2:
(je dois expliquer quels sports je pratique et répondre à quelques autres questions - je suis en éducation physique)

"At the University, this year we're playing basketball, badminton and handball, we're going swimming and we're also doing aerobics and gymnastics. We're praticing this sports twice a week during between sixty and ninety minutes. Further, I'm playing basketball in a team and we're training twice a week and we're playing a game once a week. Last year, we've win the championship so now we're playing in an upper division. It's my third championship title but I never win a cup. I already have two ankle's sprain and a "myosite ossifiante traumatique" during fourteen months. During this fourteen months, I cannot doing any physical activities... It was a torture but fortunately, now, I can do every physical activities I want.
Moreover, especially during the holidays, I like to go swimming and I also working in a fitness complex three times a week. However, extra to this sports, I really would like play football. Not soccer but American football. Indeed, I like the rough sports where contacts are allowed. Unfortunately, there isn't a lot of football's team in Belgium...
Due to all this activities, I think that I'm fit: I run more than three thousand meters at the Cooper's test, I swim very well, I have a muscular silhouette and I'm not fat. We can ever get fitter but, in my case, I think that I cannot unless I become a professional sportsman!"



Rédaction 3:
(je dois concevoir un exercice de sport pour améliorer une technique particulière dans un sport spécifique)

"It's a physical preparation's exercise for basketball players. Be careful, this exercise is destined to adults, not to children! It must improve the player's explosivity and it's not good to work this capacity too young.
It's recommended that doing this exercise in oriented preparation whether for example in the first two weeks of September.
I think that the ideal number of repetitions is eight and the number of series is three. The players must start a repetition every minute so their recovery is about forty seconds between each repetitions.
Like you can see on the picture that I send you, the players begin on a bench who placed about at the third of the court. First, they must jump from the bench on the floor and immediately jump again high as possible. Second, after that, they must make five standing jumps over little hurdles (about twenty centimeters) and sprint until the free throw line. And third, the trainer do a chest pass and the player take the shoot. If it's a missed shoot, he must take the rebound and do a lay-up. After their shoot or their lay-up, they give the ball to the trainer and return to their initial position."



Rédaction 4:
(je dois décrire le plus précisément possible les mouvements de cet exercise de yoga - je dois rédiger comme si je m'adressais directement à une classe de yoga)


"Hello everybody.
Today, we will do yoga exercises. First, remove your shoes please. Good, we can begin.
You must lie down on your stomach, put your palms on the floor at shoulder level, extend your arms and lift your body from the floor. During the whole exercise, tuck your stomach in and extend your nape.
Then, now, bend your arms and when your shoulders are on the floor and place your toes on the floor. Extend yours arms slowly, lift your pelvis and keep the arms and the legs straight and the heels on the floor. When the position is acquired, bend your nape and your chin must touch your chest.
And to finish, stand up straight, lunge forward with your right leg until your left leg will be almost straight. Normally, your right leg is bended. Extend your nape and hold the position during twenty second.
You can stand up now and I thank you.
Goodbye"

[Hikari]

Rédaction 1: parfait! sauf le début "if we consider that"
ça ne va pas car tu utilises that sans avoir introduit le sujet dont tu vas traiter. This est donc adéquat. Mais surtout le if we consider... n'est pas très authentique: "let's consider this"

Rédaction 2 :

Il faut respecter la syntaxe anglaise.

"At the University, this year we're playing basketball, badminton and handball, we're going swimming and we're also doing aerobics and gymnastics

This year at University we're going to play basketball, badminton, hanball, we're going to swim and doing aerobics and gymnastic (too) (il y a trop de and, donc too allège, mais si tu sens mieux le also garde-le)


si c'est précisé alors tu peux utiliser we're going to (attention we're going to + bv sans ing)

play: ce verbe fait assez enfantin. Préfère have qui est plus adulte. (tu peux ajouter class, car ce sont des cours que tu vas avoir)

do aerobics and gymnastics: practice plutôt, do étant très maladroit et peu authentique (il y a toujours le have disponible)

dans un deuxième temps tu devras utiliser will au lieu de going to
these sports et non pas this sports
during between? 2 adverbes de temps en même temps c'est grammaticalement incorrect.
enlève le during.

Plus, pas further.
I play basketball in a team. Le présent simple car c'est une habitude. (le présent continue si c'est ce que tu fais au moment où l'on parle).

Tu mets trop de and. Sépare les énoncés en plusieurs phrases.
I play basketball in a team. We train twice and have one match in a week. (sache regrouper quand c'est commode)

We've won the last year championship (attention: syntaxe, présent perfect)
ou bien We've won a championship last year.
(je ne peux pas t'expliquer la différence entre les deux mais tu ne dois utiliser l'une des deux tournures.
the last year championship ou a championship last year.)

encore un présent continu là où il devrait y avoir un présent simple.

I never win a cup.
I've never won a cup.
I never won a cup.
I can't win a cup.
(elles sont toutes bonnes)

I have been... for + durée (et non pas during)
During those... I couldn't do... It's been (concordance des temps) a pain (expression idiomatique). (nouvelle phrase pour alléger la structure) Fortunately I can do whatever I want for now. (pas deux adverbes à la fois: but fortunately : non) .

Moreover, especially: syntaxe fausse, pas deux adverbes!

at holidays ou during holidays (pas de the)

go swimming est correct (mais pas going to swimming)

Ce qui donne: I like to go swimming especially at holidays.

and I also like working at ...
fitness center pas complex

However, extra to this sports?
tu veux dire à part?

Except these sports however, I really would like to play football.

No soccer but American football.

I like the tough sports where physical contact is allowed.

Indeed? indeed est un mot un peu ancien qui maintement ne s'utilise plus beaucoup. Tu peux dire of course ou ne pas exprimer ceci du tout.

I think that I fit (le verbe to fit est un verbe d'action).
fit to what?

Pour les distances on ne dit pas more than mais over. I can run over 3,000m.



Rédaction 3: tu emploies le mot destined au lieu de fit que tu as utilisé plus haut.
La tu as introduit exercise, pas besoin de le répéter, utilise it. Be careful, it fits to adults only.

l'explosivité? ce terme n'existe même pas en français.
c'est un néologisme et il existe déjà des mots pour l'exprimer.
Par exemple dynamism.

ability ou skill, pas capacity.
to work on = travailler quelque chose.
It's recommended to! pas de proposition subordonnée relative après ce verbe. Et les anglais diront it's preferable to...

whether.. or = soit... soit
weather = le temps météo

their recovery time* il faut être précis.

As you can see et non like

that I sent (preterit)


the players begin on a bench who placed about at the third of the court.

Incompréhensible...
who = pronom relatif pour les personnes uniquement...


as high as possible.

First....
Secondly (ou then)....
Thirdly....
etc...
(ici il s'agit d'adverbes et non plus d' ordinaux)
second, after that... le after that est inutile.
on ne dit pas do a chest pass mais make a chest pass
take the shoot? le ballon tu veux dire?
pas return mais get back ou go back


Rédaction 4:

for twenty seconds et pas during.
faut que tu laisse ton during de côté tu l'utilises à toutes les sauces comme si c'était un crédo.

Je ne vais pas tout regarder ça m'a l'air d'une traduction google tout ça...
A la fin tu diras it's over! et ensuite thank you, good bye, see you later / tomorrow.

[jupaulus]

Tout d'abord, merci d'avoir corrigé tout ça! Ca a du te prendre pas mal de temps